His tired.
Compare my migraine and his sleep, his is much more important to him. I just couldnt explain to him the pain. The pain that actually could make me pass out anytime that night. He said i showed my temper cause he didnt check on me when i was in pain. That wasnt the problem.
I simply felt neglected cause i woke him up not to ask him to have a chat with me but to at least look how was i doing. It kills me when i'm in terrible pain but he is simply snores his lungs out. I watch him sleep so soundly while i'm struggling with pain. And the thought come again.
His tired.
Although i kept telling myself he is tired, i just felt that he wasnt there for me. Even after calling his name twice and pulling his shirt he kept snoring, it was terrible humiliation to me. He woke up saying i was infront of the computer for too long. I didnt went online on msn or something. I helped my mom download some songs to her stupid new handphone then i blogged. It didnt even took me 2 hours. But he said i entertain the computer more then him.
What am i suppose to do?
Sit right beside him and watch him sleep when i actually cant close my eyes?
That was what he said. He said i should have at least sat beside him at lullaby him. And i think again does that a reasonable thing to do? You slept soundly while your partner who cant close her eyes simply watch you sleep for the pass 4 hours?
He said i didnt think for others. He said i was selfish.
I didnt know sharing my pain with my love ones actually makes me selfish. Cause i thought he is the only person who understands me more then anybody else.
He left me at home just like that. He simply walks out the house. And that was actually the third time he left without a word.
He send me a message saying that i have a sickening attitude. I was shock by that. What did i actually do wrong? Sharing him my pain? Or was it because i didnt sat beside him when he was asleep? He showed me that he is sick of me. I just dont know who to turn to.
I went out of the house. Sat under the voiddeck and start thinking. He left me again. He said i have a sickening attitude. he said i was selfish. Word vomit starts to come out of my mouth and sent to his handphone. I simply assume things now. I cant help it. He humiliates me. He is not happy to be with me.
He appears right before me and return the ring i gave to him and walks off. I scream at the top of my voice to ask him to come back but he never did.
The handphone that i loved the most, the one that i have been using for the past 3 years finally crash into pieces when i throw it to the ground with full impact. I could see how it broke into pieces with a blink of an eye. I couldnt bear the pain anymore.
He came back, helped me pick up all the pieces back and putting them back together and return to me. He then now said i was exactly like his whore shit ex. The girl that i hated the most. My bf the person that i loved most actually compared me with a whore. He make me hurt not only emotionally but also mentally. he keep repeating that i wasnt eligible to be his wife. I was the same like that girl. I was totally the same. His words cuts me deep, really deep into my skin. He wasnt even thinking. He never spare a thought for my feelings. I sat there. Crying. Eating every word that he throws upon me. Every humiliation he said about me. Everything.
I shivered. It was very cold. The pain at my spine actually came back when i'm cold. The migraine was killing me this time. I couldnt speak out a word to him. He hates me enough.
I sat beside him. Beg him. Yes, i did say please to him so thats begging. I simply dont want to lose him. He stares at me like i did the biggest mistake of all. He said my mistake was that i couldnt understand his situation that he is tired. He's tired and i'm in pain. I just cant say anything else. Since he said it was my mistake then i accept that. I dont want this argument to go any further. Please dy... That was what i said. He just close his eyes and fold his arms tight. I felt very weak. I can assure myself if it drags for another hour, i'll surely pass out. My head was as heavy as rock. My vision starts to blur. My body felt so cold. My voice grew weaker. And all i wanted was a hug from him. A hug that will vanish all my pain slowly. A hug that can actually make me warm.
He did.
He hug me tight. I just couldnt hold back my tears. I felt the love he was giving me. I just couldnt understand this argument we had. Whatever it is i felt his warmth again around me. I dont want to lose that feeling.
Maybe its just a misunderstanding that leads to all these. If it was my mistake to share my pain with him, i wouldnt do so ever again. let me eat my own feelings and pain as long as he is happy.
4:15am-
Got back home and i lay my head to rest. He was right beside me so i hold his hand tight. I thought i would never feel that touch again. He hold my hands and wrap them around his neck. I drop my tears again cause i felt guilty to take his rest away from him. And i'm really sorry. He woke up at 5:55am to get ready for werk. I still cant sleep. This migraine can actually drive me to my grave. Before he leaves for work, he hug me really tight around him and kiss me on my forehead.
I felt guilty to all that has happen that night. I apologize to him via message and he apologize too. Although the argument is over, every word he said to me is really fresh in my mind. I was the same as that whore. I wasnt eligible to be his wife. I was selfish. Every single word kills me till now this very moment. Eventhough he said he loves me and will always will, the pain will never go away.
If i cut myself, the pain will go away 1 day. But a word that hurts my feelings will always stay.
